On A Valentine's Day
by CuteWhiteBunny
Summary: How do I hate (love) thee? Let me count the ways. [Perryshmirtz (Perry x Heinz), future fic]
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Happy Valentine's Day, take this uh Perry monologue?**

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Heinz.

I don't know how to tell you how much you mean to me. How much you've changed my life just by existing in it. How much I don't deserve you.

How do I even begin to explain something like that?

At the beginning, I suppose.

˃That he's evil.

I hated you, at first. How could I not? You were Evil, or at least I thought so at the time. Hating you was my _job_.

Knowing what I know now, you did your best to look it. The schemes, the evil monologue, the traps, and how can I forget the musical numbers? Everyone knows it's the villains who get the best musical numbers, and no one more than you.

I hated you for your incompetence, too. You always _failed_ , every time, because you made it so easy to thwart you. Self-destruct buttons, long-winded monologues, weak points in the traps...

˃That he betrayed me.

When you finally managed to hurt me, it wasn't with a deadly trap like I'd expected. No, you found _Peter the Panda_. You _replaced_ me. And it hurt. I think at the time it was the worst pain I'd ever felt.

I'd never been betrayed before. I shouldn't be surprised that you were the first. After all, you went on to be the first for a whole lot of other things.

Looking back, if you hadn't done it, I don't think any of the other firsts would have happened. I never would have realised how much you meant to me.

˃That he berates himself.

Do you remember what happened then? You made a _promise_ , to only hurt me in the _right_ way. Another first.

I couldn't help but pay attention after that.

And what I saw... I saw that _you_ were hurting. More than that, I saw that you inflicted it upon yourself, for not measuring up to your brother, for not being the person your parents expected you to be, for still aching from everything you've been through.

But most of all, I saw that Evil was a cry for help. A desperate search for someone, _anyone_ , to listen. And so I listened.

˃That he can be so thoughtless sometimes.

You take me for granted sometimes. Less so now, because we've both had to learn to compromise over these past few decades together, but when we were still figuring it out... Well. You used to assume I'd always be there, every day, to listen to you monologue about your life.

Sometimes I can't. Sometimes I don't want to.

Sometimes, hearing how the world mistreated you breaks my heart.

Then I'd come back the next day and you'd be all snippy, like _I'd_ done something wrong. I resented you for that, for a while. Longer than I can be proud of.

˃That he treats Norm so horribly.

Norm got the worst of your thoughtlessness.

You didn't realise, at the time, how closely you were recreating your own past. I noticed, of course I _noticed_ , but I couldn't say anything. Didn't know how to bring it up either.

Would you have hated me if I had? I still don't know.

I did what I could, spending time with him the way he'd wished you would do. Another father figure.

The day you'd realised what you'd done to him is still burned into my memory. You'd been so _horrified_. Proof that you're a better parent than your own were.

˃That he apologises for his parents.

I never did understand how you could still love your parents. After everything they've done to you, you've made excuse after excuse for why it's all someone else's fault instead. Mostly yours, and that's the worst part.

Even now, after you've cut them out of your life, you still _love_ them.

You're a better person than I could ever be, Heinz. So much love in your heart, even for people who don't deserve it. Forgiveness, for people who took advantage of your giving nature.

It sounds strange, doesn't it? All your grudges, and you're the forgiving one? But it's true.

˃That he confuses me.

You've always been contradictory, for as long as I've known you. Longer, probably.

It took me a while to notice. You've always been good at putting up a façade, letting people see only what they wanted to see. You even fooled me, at first.

Then you asked for my help with Vanessa's birthday party. We were still enemies then, but how could I not?

After that, I saw you in a new light. The real you, nuanced, contradictory, _human_. Capricious, but reliably so. Determined, yet easily stopped. _Evil_ , and a devoted father.

Someone I needed to hate and yet loved.

˃That he made me love him.

I hated you for that too, for making me love you without even realising it. For doing it so effortlessly.

You didn't even mean to, that's the worst part. So many complicated schemes for everything else, from taking over the Tri-State Area to cleaning up your apartment, but it's like you'd never considered the possibility that you could make me fall for you.

Maybe that's why it happened.

The more I fought you, the more I saw that you just needed someone to stop and listen, to acknowledge your pain, that you were so desperate you'd take anyone. Even me.

˃That he thinks he's evil.

It was my job to fight evil. To stop you. I didn't _need_ to listen. But I did, and you know what I realised?

You were never evil, Heinz.

No matter how much you thought you were, no matter how well your parents had taught you to believe it, no matter how many people shunned you for what they chose to think about you, it was never true. I know you tried to be, you tried _so hard_ to live up to those expectations, but you weren't. You couldn't.

The moment I noticed that, I think I hated you more.

˃That he doesn't see how much I love him.

I hated you _so much_. I still do.

But at the same time, and in the same ways, I love you.

When it comes to you, I feel everything so strongly. I adore you, with all of my heart. And I hate you, with every fibre of my being. You're my nemesis, my best friend, the love of my life. My everything.

I know you think I'm exaggerating, and I hate that you still think that after everything we've been through, but it's the truth. You, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, are the best thing to ever happen to me.

I love you.

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 **AN: Crossposted from ao3 as always.** ***sigh* I miss blockquotes already.**

 **So, this is chapter 1 of 10. I'd love to hear what you all think!  
**


	2. Chapter 2

I need you to know that you're loved, that you've _always_ been loved. That you always will be.

Maybe if I say it enough times it'll sink into your brilliant brain. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Even when I hate you, I love you.

I could go into detail. Every reason I love you. Would that be enough for you?

˃His rugged determination.

I loved your determination first. The way you kept going in the face of adversity. A lesser man would have caved under the pressure, but you never did. You never _could_. Even when I was the adversity, thwarting your schemes every single day as your nemesis, you bounced back every time.

It was hard not to admire that. So I did. As stubborn as I am, I know a lost cause when I see one.

You don't. It's frustrating sometimes, when you set your mind on a hopeless goal, but I love that you refuse to let anything stop you.

˃His musical numbers.

You never let your voice stop you from putting on musical numbers. It still took a while before I appreciated that, if I'm honest, but you put just as much effort into them as you did everything else so I suppose it was inevitable.

As soon as I let myself _see_ what you were doing, I was entranced. Your sense of staging is impeccable, your choreography spectacular, and your singing... it grew on me.

I love your voice, now. I love the passion you pour into performing. You're never more _yourself_ than when you're on stage, and I love you.

˃His kindness.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one who sees what a kind, passionate, brilliant man you are. You do a lot to hide it, but it's there. And I love you for being that person. Always have, always will.

I don't know how you managed to stay so kind even after everything you've been through, but I'm glad for it.

It's one of your best traits. You're kind, even when you shouldn't be. What kind of evil scientist worries about his nemesis's safety? But you _do_ , you _care_ , and I couldn't help but fall for you because of it.

˃His nose.

I love the way you look, too. Your eyes, a dark, deep blue like the ocean, so easy to get lost in. That grin you get when you're scheming. Your hands, deft and flexible and so gentle when you want to be.

And your nose. Your wonderful long nose. At first it was something convenient to grab during our fights, but over time I realised how much it made you _you_.

Remember that time you became _handsome_? Call me shallow, but I hated that. You were already handsome to me, nose and all, so when you _changed_ it felt _wrong_.

˃His hard-earned talent and skill.

I never did like it when you made an inator to change yourself. Even the time with the Platyp-inator, as flattering as that was. They make you something other than, well, _you_.

The obvious skill with which you build them, though, _that_ I can appreciate.

It's awe-inspiring to see you at work, how effortless you make it seem. I know it's not, that it's the product of years, decades, a _lifetime_ of designing and building and inventing, but that doesn't make it any less breathtaking.

You are undeniably talented, an expert at your craft, and I love you for it.

˃His love for his daughter.

More than that, I love how you are with Vanessa. She couldn't ask for a better, more loving father.

You weren't always the most observant father, admittedly. Remember that party you made me help with, when she turned sixteen? Atrocious. That was a party for a little girl, not the woman she was growing into. The woman she's grown into, now.

But your heart was in the right place. You meant well, and you really do love her. She realised that, eventually.

It was obvious to me, but then, I wasn't on the receiving end. For which I'm thankful, honestly.

˃His endearing behaviour.

As long as I've known you, you've had this tendency to overdo things, like enthusiasm can make up for heedlessness. And, as much as it pains me to say it, I can't deny that you make it work.

Or maybe I have a weakness for that pouty face you do. You know the one. That unreasonably endearing one you use when you want something.

You've dragged me into so many inane schemes with that face. Things I thought I'd hate, and did until you looked at me in just the right way and I fell in love all over again.

˃His attempts at romance.

I still remember that time you tried to _woo_ me.

You didn't need to. You really, _really_ didn't. Even back then I loved you more than words could ever say, all you had to do was _ask_.

But instead you got the idea that stolen flowers and a hare-brained inator were the way to go. With a musical number. In the middle of the busiest restaurant in Danville.

A lot of people were left very unimpressed with you that day, Heinz.

...I wasn't one of them. After all, I'd expected nothing less from the man I'd fallen in love with.

˃His heartbreaking lack of self-esteem.

Some days you're so uncompromisingly _you_ , so bright and shining that I can't help but love you.

And when you can't, when you hate yourself more than I ever could, those are the days my love for you burns brightest. You deserve to be loved like that, fiercely and without restraint.

So many people have made you feel like you were less than the brilliant man you are. I wish it was easier to convince you otherwise, but even I can't go against half a lifetime of scorn. All I can do is be here for you until it passes.

˃His love for me.

I love you so much, and I know the feeling's mutual. Everything you are to me, I am to you. You rarely say so, even now, but it's hard to mistake your love for anything else when it comes through so clearly.

You don't _need_ to say it when I can hear it in every word you say, and every word you don't.

In all the years I've known you, your love has been a constant, something I can rely on, the one point of certainty in my life. A _rock_. You are my rock, Heinz, and always will be.

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 **AN: Another chapter, woo! Again, crossposted from ao3, aka the main place I post my fics. I mean, it lets me use blockquotes! (I've approximated with these cheatsy angle brackets instead. Thank Fyora for /~blauenc ˃.˃) And _strikethrough_!  
**

 **Reviews are always appreciated! Including concrit, if you so desire.**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: A year later, here's another chapter. (*cough* about time) I didn't forget about it entirely, I promise, I just got distracted by all my other plotbuns.  
**

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I've spent a lifetime learning all the ways you show love.

No one else loves me the way you do. I don't know if anyone _can_ , now. After all, I've spent my life with _you_ , our pasts and our future and our fingers all twisted together.

˃The way he fights me.

Our fights have always been a big part of that.

It seems obvious, doesn't it? That's how it all started. You and me and the eternal battle of Good versus Evil.

I quickly found myself looking forward to thwarting you, in a way I've never felt about any other nemesis before or since. As much as I want to say it's because I learned who you are through our fights, we both know that's not true. I was selfish, chasing the adrenaline rush of a nemesis who could keep me on my toes and make me _work_ for my victory.

˃The way he looks at me.

Defeating you became a _challenge_ , snatching victory from the jaws of defeat. I should have known _that_ would turn out to be a trap one day.

And yet the way you'd looked afterwards, while I cursed myself for my failure to stop you, was so genuinely _joyful_ that I couldn't bring myself to take that away from you. How would I live with myself?

As time went on I saw that expression more and more, from successes to musical numbers and finally to _me_ , like my presence alone inspires that same joy. It's humbling, knowing you're happy because of me.

˃The way he kisses me.

Sometimes the extent of your love takes my breath away, and never more so than when you kiss me.

There are so many ways you do it, and I have a weakness for all of them. The gentle brush of your lips over my knuckles when we're holding hands. Tender kisses on my brow as I'm dozing off in your arms. Fierce kisses after a mission so you know we're both alive.

But my favourite one of all is the one where you cup your hands around my jaw and kiss me to make up for everything you can't say.

˃The way he defends me.

Actions speak louder than words.

That's something I have to keep reminding myself of with you. One minute you'll be complaining at me again over something insignificant, and I know you don't mean it but that doesn't mean it doesn't _hurt_ sometimes; the next you're shielding me from a self-destruct sequence gone wrong, or breaking me out of a trap I never saw coming, or arguing on my behalf when I can't make myself understood.

And you do it without thinking. For all your bluster, your first instinct is to defend me. That means a lot, Heinz. It means everything.

˃The way he apologizes to me.

You don't always get it right. Sometimes you still hurt me, when you're not trying to hurt me. I won't lie and say you don't. Really, you can be _painfully_ thoughtless sometimes. I love you but that doesn't make me _blind_.

And yet I can never hold it against you, not when you're so sincere in your apologies. I love that about you, Heinz.

Even the first time, after the situation with Peter the Panda, I couldn't do anything but forgive you. You'd hurt me, yes, but you hadn't _meant_ to. You couldn't have known I'd already fallen for you.

˃The way he forgives me.

Anything else would have been hypocritical of me. I've let you believe I didn't care, ignored you when it was convenient, taken out my frustrations on you. None of which you've ever deserved. Not from me, not from anyone.

Somehow, you gave me a second chance. Not to mention a third and a fourth and... Probably more chances than I deserve, if I'm honest. Is it selfish to say I'm thankful for that?

You've given me so much to be thankful for. All the years we've spent together. The chance to become someone worthy of you. Love, so much love.

˃The way he holds me.

Everything, Heinz. You've given me _everything_.

I don't know where I'd be without you, without your love inspiring me to do better. Probably the same unfeeling wall I was when we first met, all those years ago. I'm not, now, and it's because of you.

How often have I thanked you for that? Not enough.

Thank you for that. Thank you for everything. Thank you for being you.

There's no one else quite like you, Heinz. No one else can match your passion, your intelligence, your _smile_. And when you wrap your arms around me, it feels like coming home.

˃The way he comforts me.

I've never felt safer than I do when I'm with you. Safe enough to let down my guard.

Before I met you, I hadn't realised how much I needed that. I thought I had to be strong, all the time, ready to _protect_ people. I'd distanced myself from everyone I care about. I was, as you once put it, _closed off_.

Looking back, I don't know how I lived like that.

And _you_... You showed me I didn't have to. I'll always be grateful to you for that. For showing me how freeing it is to love, wholly and openly.

˃The way he compliments me.

You've always been open with your love, in your words and actions.

Every time I've doubted myself - and I _do_ , don't give me that look, you of all people should know I'm not always as strong as I look - you're there to encourage me. To remind me why I do this, why I've dedicated my life to my work, why I've sacrificed so much to be with you.

It's _because_ of you.

You have this way of making me feel _appreciated_ in what I do, whether that's thwarting Evil, or holding you close after a nightmare, or existing at all.

˃The way he takes care of me.

It still overwhelms me sometimes, how much you love me. How often you remind me. You're so free with your affection, to a level I'd never imagined could be possible, let alone shared with me, and I can't help but love you for that.

For everything.

My life is better for having you in it. I wouldn't be the person I am without you supporting - or fighting, can't forget the fighting - me every step of the way.

Thank you, Heinz. I don't say it enough, I know, but I mean it. Always have. I couldn't ask for a better nemesis.


End file.
